Strangers Know Best

Remember when every word you said to one another carried more weight than modern America? Now remember the last time you tried to give him or her good advice? Remember the look that was returned like the advice you gave started with "Yo' momma so whatever"? What the hell happened?

I think every relationship reaches a tipping point when it comes to communication at some point. Communication tends to be inversely proportional to the time spent between two people growing together. For the arithmetic impaired, that means the listening fades as the anniversary count ticks up.

That's all fine and good. Your advice isn't always the best so maybe there's a reason he or she started tossing it like that fatty part on a bad cut of steak. Maybe it's not all meat anymore in your old age. But the kicker comes when the advice you gave somehow gets followed when it is spoken through the voice of someone who is not you.

Him: "The garbage man told me that I should probably quit before these things kill me."

Her: "The intern told me that I could stand to lose a little weight."

Him/Her: "That mo fo was right!"

That's when the look he or she gave you before shows up on your face this time. So why is it that your words have become shit flakes in the wind compared to those of any person that is not you?

I guess that's just one of those mysteries that accompany the swindle the people before me call love. Perhaps I should go back in time and tell those people a thing or two about love.. After an argument with the spouse I imagine would be the most opportune time.

You Better Run

Death. It's that thing that follows us our entire lives. Sometimes it catches up with us before we even learn to walk. Sometimes it catches us when we become too ill to outrun it. Sometimes out of nowhere it slams into us like a Chevy into a raccoon when it picked the wrong time to cross the street. Sometimes we manage to stay ahead of it for more years than we could have hoped and we welcome it on our death bed in old age surrounded by our loved ones. No matter how or when it catches up with us, it is always there behind us inevitably waiting to take us from this life. But this isn't about that.

This is about another element of mortal existence that is constantly on our tail. This other thing is much faster but not nearly as lethal. When it catches us as it constantly does, however, we eventually find a way to get ahead of it again. But just like death, it's always there and can only be avoided for so long.

Boredom. I feel like it's the scariest thing besides death. Once it catches up with you it makes you think too much. When it gets a strong hold on you it makes you do things you wouldn't normally do to become free of it. Sometimes it's all you've got if you didn't see it coming. Sometimes your current responsibility isn't enough to keep you beyond it. So.. Sometimes it makes you write a blog post all about it.

I'm still trying to figure out how to stay ahead of it. When it comes to outrunning boredom, I often feel like a white girl in a slasher flick. I try to keep a book handy. I fill my home with sources of entertainment from games to the internet. I try to keep my eyes on the prize; try to stay motivated in my responsibilities. I often try with great futility. So given the constructive and semi-sweet constructive ways to stay ahead of boredom, it's always easier to choose the latter (that's the second one, right?).

I deactivated my facebook account today. I used to do this from time to time when I felt I wasn't getting what I wanted from facebook. I could go into that, but I'd say it's a blog post for another day (insert eventual link here). Often when I become bored at work, I go to two web sites. The first is ConquerClub.com. This isn't an ad, so you can go there and figure out what it is if you are curious enough. The second is probably first on everyone else's list. I don't do anything when I get there. I check somewhere between zero and one new notifications with great dismay, glance over my messages, check my news feed adding clever replies where applicable, then look at recent things I've posted. It's an hourly ritual that takes it's toll on me the more habitual it becomes. So it's deactivation time.

Now begins filling that void with an unequal and opposable distraction. Probably more blogging about unfinished boredom inspired thoughts. A better use of my time, though not by much. So.. I'll see you next time I trip and fall.

Stay out of Detroit

Tell Me Who's Gonna Hold Me Down

I need love..

Cuz I'm not gettin' enough;

And when I'm down,

Who gon' help gettin' me up?

When I'm gettin' beat up

By my fears and my issues

Who gon' try to understand

And dry my tears wit' a tissue?

Life weighs heavy

And sometimes I gotta be strong,

But every once in a while

I need someone to lean on.

If I lose my way,

Someone to help me come back;

If I lose the beat,

Someone to bring the drums back..

Yeah..

Can you help me bring the sun back

If darkness overwhelms?

Can you help me overcome that?

Boom in the Room like Pa-Rum-Pa-Pum-Pum...

It's Over

She said that she's been thinking lately and she's realized that there are a lot of things about me that she doesn't want for her husband.

She's broken up with me a thousand times. Hell, we haven't been in an official relationship for some months now. This was special, though. Only minutes earlier, she and I and her sisters were commenting on a picture in hilarious fashion. Then, I called her and asked her to be my Valentine. 

She declined.. 

At first I figured she was playing hard to get. Then she changed her tone to tell me about a dinner she had with some girlfriends discussing boyfriends.. She listened to her girlfriends talk about theirs and as she started to talk about me, she realized that she didn't feel anything.. 

She has fallen out of love with me. 

She proceeded to tell me all of this indirectly in so many words. My shit shattered.. I'm a girly man, so I'm just being a bit dramatic.. and a man none the less, so I'll be alright.. But she wasn't playing this time. 

I told her that I wasn't going to fight her to stay for me if she didn't want me. She was adamant. I told her I would leave her alone. She said she didn't want that and I reminded her that being friends was not an immediate option.. She didn't protest in her usual manner. 

She's exhausted. 

She's found someone else to adore. 

Something is different. 

We get off the phone.. and that's it. No text back saying "Hold up, I was just playing" and no phone call or surprise direct voicemail. I'm quite sure she's done this time.. and I have no right to fight her for it. 

Naturally.. I hate her for it.. But I am wrong.. I am emotional.. I won't hate her later. 

She mentioned a new guy in her life recently. She doesn't find him attractive, but he has a great personality. That's how she described him.. She also told me that he was DETERMINED to make her like him.. She fell for the game.

The icing on the cake is that I was thinking about this today. It is in fact the reason I asked her to be my Valentine. I never had to ask her before..

It was automatic.

Things have been going differently. I felt the need to win her back. Every single rhyme I write has elements of her in it. She has never noticed or really appreciated that. I decided that this Valentine's Day I would make a song just for her. I worked on it for hours today. That doesn't fucking matter now.

Of course, a part of me is thinking that I should finish it and get her back. I bet it will work too.. But will it make her stay? I don't know. I've been having doubts about how she truly feels about me for awhile now. I think I know better than she does.

I deactivated my facebook and cut myself off from Twitter.. That way there will be no indirect communication with her to tempt me.. I am currently in the denial phase slowly inching into the anger phase as you can see with the f-bomb above.

It's been like 8 years. Off and on.. I've vicariously and directly been thru so many relationships, that I know I will get over this eventually.. But right now, I'm hurtin'.. And I can't imagine her not in my life. But what can I do?

R.I.P. Margaret Miller

It's been a long time since I've experienced it. Sometimes you forget what it feels like to lose someone forever. Everyone I've lost personally was always nearing their time. No sudden deaths that affected me personally.. The one that hit me hardest was my grandmother's. I was too young to imagine the world without her in it, even after she got sick to the point where she didn't seem to be the person I remembered. Still, it's always hard. I was fairly disconnected from my aunt when she died. I definitely saw a long grieving process thru my cousin when he came to live with us. I was really young when I lost my grandfather and his mother. My grandfather's was the first funeral I recall. I don't remember if I cried or not though.. He died of a heat stroke that started right in front of our house.. I remember that all the time as my father spends so much time out in the sun. My uncle died of cancer. He seemed like he always figured that would be his way to go as I recall counting thousands of empty packs of Kool with my cousin one day. I still feel pretty shitty for not making the funeral, and I feel like his youngest son and I definitely lost a little love because of it. We're still cool tho. But losing your father is one hell of a blow. I hear he gets the grief out these days with on stage poetry. I look forward to an in person listen one of these days. An uncle of mine lost a son to violence. I didn't really know that cousin very well.

These are all the past deaths I remember as I add one more to the list. Today my father's ex-wife's mother died. My father's ex-wife isn't what I call her. I've always called her my step-mom. Aside from my grandmother, she was the closest thing I had to a mom in my life. Never got around to calling her mom tho.. I've never called anyone mom my entire life. Anyway, she has experienced insane amounts of grief in her lifetime and this won't help much, so my sympathy is with her more than anything. I do miss my step-grandmother or whatever I'm supposed to call her. She used to look after us whenever we went to Flint or whenever the parents were away. She was everything you could want in an old lady. She was sarcastic and hilarious by accident at times because she had some kind of southern sass about her. She was amazing to talk to. I became comfortable to the point where I enjoyed messing with her a bit, and she'd mess with me right back. She read a lot so she always had some new information to give. She was better than side-blips on VH1 when watching TV. She could always tell you something you didn't know about one of the actors. She also liked to read suspense novels. She had a whole library of Stephen King and Dean Koontz novels. She let me borrow Stephen King's The Stand once and I got about half way thru before I gave up. I had enjoyed it so far but Stephen King is always a tough read. I think that's partially what she liked about him. I imagine she liked to challenge her mind as she also enjoyed puzzles and video games. When I first met her, I stayed at her house in Flint and she had a Super Nintendo. Given that was my only Super Nintendo experience, I loved going over her house.. And she always bought me pudding cuz she knew I loved it. One of our funniest memories of her was when her grandson (my stepmother's oldest biological child) was talking back to her. I happened to be between them as they were across the room from each other. Next thing I knew, she got up and was out for blood (or at least a good ass whoopin). Everybody that was there said they never saw me move so fast in my life.. I got the hell out of the crossfire with insane swiftness.

I also sympathize with my sisters (my step-mother's daughters). The oldest one went to live with her for a time when her life was spiraling out of control. My step-grandmother got her back on track with ruthless strictness. She literally couldn't do anything except go to church, school, and work. She hated it at the time but I imagine today she appreciates it. My step-mother's second oldest daughter probably clashed with her the most. She had a mouth on her. No love was lost tho. The two youngest ones were probably the most disconnected because one spent most of her time with her other grandmother and the other lived with her (my) father. Still, Ms. Miller definitely gave us all a reason to miss her..

And I really do miss her. A part of me certainly wanted to see her before she died, but a bigger part wanted my memories of her to remain good. She had closer family that could see her off. My presence would have just been awkward and unneeded. Most people just want to be there for themselves anyway. They want to be able to say goodbye. I don't think the dead care about our goodbyes. I do however hope on a regular that there is a place for these people to go when they leave us. It would be nice to see them again in good health. I guess we'll see..