It's been a long time since I've experienced it. Sometimes you forget what it feels like to lose someone forever. Everyone I've lost personally was always nearing their time. No sudden deaths that affected me personally.. The one that hit me hardest was my grandmother's. I was too young to imagine the world without her in it, even after she got sick to the point where she didn't seem to be the person I remembered. Still, it's always hard. I was fairly disconnected from my aunt when she died. I definitely saw a long grieving process thru my cousin when he came to live with us. I was really young when I lost my grandfather and his mother. My grandfather's was the first funeral I recall. I don't remember if I cried or not though.. He died of a heat stroke that started right in front of our house.. I remember that all the time as my father spends so much time out in the sun. My uncle died of cancer. He seemed like he always figured that would be his way to go as I recall counting thousands of empty packs of Kool with my cousin one day. I still feel pretty shitty for not making the funeral, and I feel like his youngest son and I definitely lost a little love because of it. We're still cool tho. But losing your father is one hell of a blow. I hear he gets the grief out these days with on stage poetry. I look forward to an in person listen one of these days. An uncle of mine lost a son to violence. I didn't really know that cousin very well.
These are all the past deaths I remember as I add one more to the list. Today my father's ex-wife's mother died. My father's ex-wife isn't what I call her. I've always called her my step-mom. Aside from my grandmother, she was the closest thing I had to a mom in my life. Never got around to calling her mom tho.. I've never called anyone mom my entire life. Anyway, she has experienced insane amounts of grief in her lifetime and this won't help much, so my sympathy is with her more than anything. I do miss my step-grandmother or whatever I'm supposed to call her. She used to look after us whenever we went to Flint or whenever the parents were away. She was everything you could want in an old lady. She was sarcastic and hilarious by accident at times because she had some kind of southern sass about her. She was amazing to talk to. I became comfortable to the point where I enjoyed messing with her a bit, and she'd mess with me right back. She read a lot so she always had some new information to give. She was better than side-blips on VH1 when watching TV. She could always tell you something you didn't know about one of the actors. She also liked to read suspense novels. She had a whole library of Stephen King and Dean Koontz novels. She let me borrow Stephen King's The Stand once and I got about half way thru before I gave up. I had enjoyed it so far but Stephen King is always a tough read. I think that's partially what she liked about him. I imagine she liked to challenge her mind as she also enjoyed puzzles and video games. When I first met her, I stayed at her house in Flint and she had a Super Nintendo. Given that was my only Super Nintendo experience, I loved going over her house.. And she always bought me pudding cuz she knew I loved it. One of our funniest memories of her was when her grandson (my stepmother's oldest biological child) was talking back to her. I happened to be between them as they were across the room from each other. Next thing I knew, she got up and was out for blood (or at least a good ass whoopin). Everybody that was there said they never saw me move so fast in my life.. I got the hell out of the crossfire with insane swiftness.
I also sympathize with my sisters (my step-mother's daughters). The oldest one went to live with her for a time when her life was spiraling out of control. My step-grandmother got her back on track with ruthless strictness. She literally couldn't do anything except go to church, school, and work. She hated it at the time but I imagine today she appreciates it. My step-mother's second oldest daughter probably clashed with her the most. She had a mouth on her. No love was lost tho. The two youngest ones were probably the most disconnected because one spent most of her time with her other grandmother and the other lived with her (my) father. Still, Ms. Miller definitely gave us all a reason to miss her..
And I really do miss her. A part of me certainly wanted to see her before she died, but a bigger part wanted my memories of her to remain good. She had closer family that could see her off. My presence would have just been awkward and unneeded. Most people just want to be there for themselves anyway. They want to be able to say goodbye. I don't think the dead care about our goodbyes. I do however hope on a regular that there is a place for these people to go when they leave us. It would be nice to see them again in good health. I guess we'll see..
