Boom in the Room like Pa-Rum-Pa-Pum-Pum...

It's Over

She said that she's been thinking lately and she's realized that there are a lot of things about me that she doesn't want for her husband.

She's broken up with me a thousand times. Hell, we haven't been in an official relationship for some months now. This was special, though. Only minutes earlier, she and I and her sisters were commenting on a picture in hilarious fashion. Then, I called her and asked her to be my Valentine. 

She declined.. 

At first I figured she was playing hard to get. Then she changed her tone to tell me about a dinner she had with some girlfriends discussing boyfriends.. She listened to her girlfriends talk about theirs and as she started to talk about me, she realized that she didn't feel anything.. 

She has fallen out of love with me. 

She proceeded to tell me all of this indirectly in so many words. My shit shattered.. I'm a girly man, so I'm just being a bit dramatic.. and a man none the less, so I'll be alright.. But she wasn't playing this time. 

I told her that I wasn't going to fight her to stay for me if she didn't want me. She was adamant. I told her I would leave her alone. She said she didn't want that and I reminded her that being friends was not an immediate option.. She didn't protest in her usual manner. 

She's exhausted. 

She's found someone else to adore. 

Something is different. 

We get off the phone.. and that's it. No text back saying "Hold up, I was just playing" and no phone call or surprise direct voicemail. I'm quite sure she's done this time.. and I have no right to fight her for it. 

Naturally.. I hate her for it.. But I am wrong.. I am emotional.. I won't hate her later. 

She mentioned a new guy in her life recently. She doesn't find him attractive, but he has a great personality. That's how she described him.. She also told me that he was DETERMINED to make her like him.. She fell for the game.

The icing on the cake is that I was thinking about this today. It is in fact the reason I asked her to be my Valentine. I never had to ask her before..

It was automatic.

Things have been going differently. I felt the need to win her back. Every single rhyme I write has elements of her in it. She has never noticed or really appreciated that. I decided that this Valentine's Day I would make a song just for her. I worked on it for hours today. That doesn't fucking matter now.

Of course, a part of me is thinking that I should finish it and get her back. I bet it will work too.. But will it make her stay? I don't know. I've been having doubts about how she truly feels about me for awhile now. I think I know better than she does.

I deactivated my facebook and cut myself off from Twitter.. That way there will be no indirect communication with her to tempt me.. I am currently in the denial phase slowly inching into the anger phase as you can see with the f-bomb above.

It's been like 8 years. Off and on.. I've vicariously and directly been thru so many relationships, that I know I will get over this eventually.. But right now, I'm hurtin'.. And I can't imagine her not in my life. But what can I do?

R.I.P. Margaret Miller

It's been a long time since I've experienced it. Sometimes you forget what it feels like to lose someone forever. Everyone I've lost personally was always nearing their time. No sudden deaths that affected me personally.. The one that hit me hardest was my grandmother's. I was too young to imagine the world without her in it, even after she got sick to the point where she didn't seem to be the person I remembered. Still, it's always hard. I was fairly disconnected from my aunt when she died. I definitely saw a long grieving process thru my cousin when he came to live with us. I was really young when I lost my grandfather and his mother. My grandfather's was the first funeral I recall. I don't remember if I cried or not though.. He died of a heat stroke that started right in front of our house.. I remember that all the time as my father spends so much time out in the sun. My uncle died of cancer. He seemed like he always figured that would be his way to go as I recall counting thousands of empty packs of Kool with my cousin one day. I still feel pretty shitty for not making the funeral, and I feel like his youngest son and I definitely lost a little love because of it. We're still cool tho. But losing your father is one hell of a blow. I hear he gets the grief out these days with on stage poetry. I look forward to an in person listen one of these days. An uncle of mine lost a son to violence. I didn't really know that cousin very well.

These are all the past deaths I remember as I add one more to the list. Today my father's ex-wife's mother died. My father's ex-wife isn't what I call her. I've always called her my step-mom. Aside from my grandmother, she was the closest thing I had to a mom in my life. Never got around to calling her mom tho.. I've never called anyone mom my entire life. Anyway, she has experienced insane amounts of grief in her lifetime and this won't help much, so my sympathy is with her more than anything. I do miss my step-grandmother or whatever I'm supposed to call her. She used to look after us whenever we went to Flint or whenever the parents were away. She was everything you could want in an old lady. She was sarcastic and hilarious by accident at times because she had some kind of southern sass about her. She was amazing to talk to. I became comfortable to the point where I enjoyed messing with her a bit, and she'd mess with me right back. She read a lot so she always had some new information to give. She was better than side-blips on VH1 when watching TV. She could always tell you something you didn't know about one of the actors. She also liked to read suspense novels. She had a whole library of Stephen King and Dean Koontz novels. She let me borrow Stephen King's The Stand once and I got about half way thru before I gave up. I had enjoyed it so far but Stephen King is always a tough read. I think that's partially what she liked about him. I imagine she liked to challenge her mind as she also enjoyed puzzles and video games. When I first met her, I stayed at her house in Flint and she had a Super Nintendo. Given that was my only Super Nintendo experience, I loved going over her house.. And she always bought me pudding cuz she knew I loved it. One of our funniest memories of her was when her grandson (my stepmother's oldest biological child) was talking back to her. I happened to be between them as they were across the room from each other. Next thing I knew, she got up and was out for blood (or at least a good ass whoopin). Everybody that was there said they never saw me move so fast in my life.. I got the hell out of the crossfire with insane swiftness.

I also sympathize with my sisters (my step-mother's daughters). The oldest one went to live with her for a time when her life was spiraling out of control. My step-grandmother got her back on track with ruthless strictness. She literally couldn't do anything except go to church, school, and work. She hated it at the time but I imagine today she appreciates it. My step-mother's second oldest daughter probably clashed with her the most. She had a mouth on her. No love was lost tho. The two youngest ones were probably the most disconnected because one spent most of her time with her other grandmother and the other lived with her (my) father. Still, Ms. Miller definitely gave us all a reason to miss her..

And I really do miss her. A part of me certainly wanted to see her before she died, but a bigger part wanted my memories of her to remain good. She had closer family that could see her off. My presence would have just been awkward and unneeded. Most people just want to be there for themselves anyway. They want to be able to say goodbye. I don't think the dead care about our goodbyes. I do however hope on a regular that there is a place for these people to go when they leave us. It would be nice to see them again in good health. I guess we'll see..

First time professional collab

Dear Eventual Offspring..

I am going through a lot right now. I know what you're thinking.. Why aren't you here by now? You should be. I wish you were. What I really mean to say is that I wish I were stable and responsible enough for you to be here and be comfortable. My internal struggle has turned out to be worse than I could have imagined. I realized recently that it all boils down to confidence. I don't truly believe I'm capable of achieving a life with you in it. That tears me up inside because it's almost all I could ever want. There's so many lessons I feel like I could teach you.. Except this one. How do you get up when you've fallen so hard? I can't say that I've been trying as hard as I can, and I sincerely apologize to you for that. Maybe if I were, I'd be holding you right now, rather than writing you a letter. It saddens me even more because family and friends are all having kids these days (congratulations to new mommies and daddies), and these kids could be potential playmates.. But since I'm not ready, you're going to have to look forward to the next generation of kids.. The little brothers and sisters of these new babies. I haven't given up on you though. That's why I'm writing you this letter.. Because I expect to give it to you one day so you can know that I love you more than anything before you even exist.. And I'm going to try harder.. because I may not quite feel like I can support you, I am certainly ready to meet you.

Love,
Daddy

Why I Love The Present

The video above has been one of significant discussion in the past couple weeks. Ultimately it was a semi-harmless event that many people feel THEY wouldn't have put on the internet for all to see. I personally appreciate the gesture like no other. First and foremost, I appreciate the laugh. It's pretty cool in this day and age to be able to connect with strangers and their random humorous events. Beyond that, I appreciate the kinds of things it can inspire..



Pretty much EVERYONE has heard the Bed Intruder Song and possibly has seen the video that inspired it. The above video is the same thing, and in fact was done by the same people. Their YouTube channel is http://www.youtube.com/schmoyoho. They are very talented in music in various ways, being able to make music out of anything and they can sing and play instruments pretty well also. I LOVE THIS SONG! It's ridiculously adorable and has a great sound. Now here's where it hits home for me..



I've been trying for some time to get some attention on YouTube. The Mommy & Daddy Song gave me an opportunity. When they did the Bed Intruder Song, they welcomed people to do their own personal covers of the song that they would link in the video or approve as a video response, getting views for all kinds of people with various talents trying to gain some attention on YouTube. Within 5 hours of seeing the video, the above was what I came up with. It's a simple dance for anyone who enjoys this song and would like to dance along. Anywho, you can imagine my excitement when I noticed that Schmoyoho linked my video under Covers at the end of theirs with a little "dance along" caption.. Funny thing is, dancing isn't the talent I'm trying to gain attention for on YouTube.. but what can I say, the song made me wanna dance ;) So I moved on to the next step..



The above video is another cover someone else did.. One of the earlier ones. I thought it had a nice sound. I thought to myself that I'd like to do my own cover, but I don't play any instruments and I couldn't imagine trying to sing the original song. I rap.. So I took the above cover and used it as an instrumental for my own little Hip Hop Remix of the original Mommy & Daddy Song.



The above video is where I shine. If you knew anything about me before these videos, you'd know I am a lyricist. I write rhymes and deliver them in various ways, as seen on MY YouTube channel, http://www.youtube.com.RemTheMulatto. Now I don't usually sing, but I was inspired. And like it or not, both of my above videos are getting more YouTube traffic than I could have imagined. My second one started getting more hits after I decided to link it in my original dance video, and Schmoyoho *liked* it.

The thing that trips me out the most about all of this is that if I weren't up several nights ago checking out my subscriptions, I may not be getting all of this attention. And furthermore, if Schmoyoho hadn't generously linked my vid or approved my vid responses, I'd be getting no views.. So the moral is, opportunities are everywhere.. Don't doubt where you can find an opportunity because you may be surprised.

5 Words..

This blog post asks the question, what 5 words define your life?

These are my five words:

sentimental creative narcissistic goof-ball mulatto

The author of the post talks about order being significant, therefore I tried to put my words in a significant order as well. The first four words are entirely internal. I stress how "mulatto" I am, but the primary source of my mulatto-ness is what people see.

I spend a lot of time in my own mind.. I appreciate black and white photos, asymmetrical landscapes, cloud formations, song lyrics, and other sensitive poetic bullsh*t. I try to focus on sentimental things rather than the harsh realities.

Everything I have ever been has always surrounded wanting to create. I used to draw. I come up with book, movie, and video game ideas regularly that I keep in a notebook. I write lyrics. I have older blogs where I've written things like stories, poems, analyses, and opinions. When it's gift time, I tend to make things rather than buy things.

For as long as I can remember I have longed for people to appreciate me. This stems into a desire for fame and constant attention. I was once told that it's not narcissism, at least in no extreme form, but that's how I have always perceived it because a large part of me cannot conceive why other people don't appreciate the things I do and am capable of.. And no amount of praise seems to quench my thirst. This is my curse.

I come off as quiet and withdrawn. Once I become comfortable around people, goofiness emerges from the silence. In fact, because I am most comfortable by myself or when I write, much of that silliness can be seen in my YouTube videos and my blogs.

I was born from a black man and a white woman. In addition, I grew up predominantly around black people. I typically speak like an individual of black decent with some, but not a great deal, of education. However, I went to high school and college with mostly white kids. Though my speech tells a different story, my grammar and spelling are very good. I've was born and have lived in both worlds, and they both have a large influence on me. I feel like an outcast and like I fit in anywhere simultaneously. From that has stemmed the idea that there are two sides to everything I do.. Two perspectives. Thus, I am mulatto in the physical and various metaphorical senses of the word.